Introspection - noun
1. observation or examination of one's own mental and emotional state, mental processes, etc.; the act of looking within oneself.
Lately, I've been feeling extremely introspective. I feel as if somewhere along the way - I lost my focus...at work, at home, at school. I am not satisfied with where my life is or where it appears to be headed. I need a change of direction 'cause we know that wherever you point your feet, that's the way you're headed, and you gotta turn around to go somewhere else. I've been thinking and re-thinking my decision to become a teacher-librarian. Was that the right decision?
I enjoy my job, immensely. I like working with a variety of teachers and students. I could be helping out in the science classroom one period and teaching on avoiding plagiarism the next. I get to read and suggest books that others should read. I do book talks and I teach students how to do them. My schedule is fairly flexible with the ability to move in and out of the library as needed. The variety is stimulating. But somehow, it's not enough.
One of the 6th grade teachers and I talked about a book she wanted to introduce to students this year - Dream by Susan V. Bosak. This books is connected to The Legacy Project. The 6th grade Nonfiction teachers will be focusing on helping students visualize, set, and reach goals. The more we talked the more I realized, this is the what I need. I need a definition. I need to look at my mission and vision - what am I doing to make them a reality?
A few years ago - when I wanted to leave teaching - I came across The Path by Laurie Beth Jones. I read (skimmed) the book and defined what I felt should be my mission. Should be, not is. My lack of commitment shows in the very fact that this workbook is empty! I didn't write in it. But somehow, I devised a mission and from that, I formed a vision. But I didn't write it down. I didn't communicate it to anyone. Which, in reality, means I can't make it happen.
Talking to the 6th grade teacher, emailing with Kay Cassidy, looking back over some posts I'd made earlier in the year, helped me to realize it's time. It's time to make a commitment - to myself. So, I'm stepping out on The Path, mindfully, spiritually, completely.
Last Saturday, August 8th, was my last early wake-up drive to Indy day. If I have to get up before 7am, I use an alarm set to music. When I woke up the song playing was "The Words I Would Say" by The Sidewalk Prophets and the little bit I heard:
For some inexplicable reason I started crying. I pulled out my phone and did a Verizon Song ID, bought it, and have played it over and over since. There's a message in there for me. Or for me to give to someone. Not sure yet. Two specific lines in the song relate directly to two rings that I wear - Fear Not and Pray Hard. That's gotta mean something.
Be strong in the Lord and
Never give up hope
You're gonna do great things
I already know
God's got his hand on you so
Don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
but don't forget why you're here
Introspection - it's where I'm at. Don't know how long I'll be here. Don't know how it'll affect this blog. I do know I'm tired of separating my life into boxes. I'm pointing my feet and I'm going that-a-way. Just wanted you to know.